My Raw Being Project *updated 2 Feb, 2012

I feel that I must do this.

Otherwise I might be lost forever.

This personal project is in fact very simple.

Or to simplify matters in my life.

I will write down my emotions and thoughts down

Good Bad Right Wrong, I'd express.

The end goal for me is

To know and to love and to be content with my own life.

Sometimes I feel that my mind runs so fast

Sometimes I feel that my heart changes so rapidly

Sometimes my heart has to chase my mind

Sometimes vice versa

Rarely in sync.  Rarely in harmony.

I must be honest with my emotions, also my thoughts.

If I can't even be honest with these feelings and thoughts that I own,

How can I really honor my own being?

How can I truly honor others if I feel so lack of?

Many people would think that I'm blunt and honest to myself already.

Thank you, but I know I am not.

I must dig deeper with my own being.

If an emotion arise, I'll just express it.  I believe it'll leave once I let myself express it.

There may be anger, disappointment, fear, lost, joy, content, loneliness, love, furious, confused, irritation, frustration...

Whatever they are, whether it's (good) or (bad) in the eyes of our society or the eyes of your morality.

I must express.

I'm not here to seek righteousness or holiness.

I am only here to voice out my own being.

Or my thoughts,  they may contradict with my other thoughts, there may be some sort of dilemmas, the fact is, I know there must be, and I first have to accept (not agree) them  before denying them.

I might have been denying them for too long.

I will not resist anymore.

I will allow my emotions and thoughts flow through me.

In this "Raw Being Project", my rawness might offend someone,  please let me apologize in advance.

If my rawness'd offend you in any ways, or make you scared to talk to me, it might be a good chance to ask yourself why.  If in the project I'll lose some friends, I sincerely hope you'll come back.  I never meant to hurt anyone.  I'm just trying desperately to explore myself.

For me, I'm doing this, I have to let them out, let them all out.  I have to search within me, deep within me.

By doing this,

I'll keep updating this entry, if there's a thought, emotion arise, I'll write them down in order.  There will be a new blog to this, http://myrawbeingproject.blogspot.com

Newer entry will be below this entry.

Or it might be just encounter on the phone or talking in person.  

Please bless me if you are willing, because I believe this might be my only way to be free and content.

Thank you all.

Adrian Tsing 程理高

2 Feb, 2012

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2 Feb, 2012. Thurs. I feel less stressful after writing this entry.

Wrote two months ago. Read again today.

What is love?

It is when your heart tells you,

Yes, this feel  "SO" right.

The intensity of the word "SO" is the key.

Btw, you'd have to listen though.

What is fear?

When you want to listen but you hear nothing, or you hear too many.

What is peace?

When no on says "This is unfair" anymore.

What is harmony?

When relativity (comparison) becomes insignificant.

Forgiving others and being forgiven are what soften my heart.   You give it a try, it's magical.  I guess, that has something to do with letting go.  

和平與愛的反思。

昨晚看了「阿漢」正傳，令我想了很多。

雖然有些地方我覺得老套，但我還是蠻喜歡此電影。

甚麼才是真正的和平？

其實應該很簡單，但又為何那樣困難？

當本來一個人殺你全家，而你將這變成「這宗教殺了你的宗教」、「這國家的人殺了你國家的人」

和平便會消失。

當一個人在地鐵車廂內吃東西而被你罵：「你們大陸人全都是這樣不守規舉的！」

和平便會消失。

再簡單點，當我覺得我對你錯，而這「對」是唯一的的話

和平便會消失。

你也會有這些「標籤」嗎？

老實說，我有。

這些標籤是很狡猾的，一些細微得很的事情其實也會有標籤在內。


我也常常會墯入這些標籤的陷阱。 


這些人蠢，笨，黑心，臭，奸，討厭，懦弱，不懂得愛，臭男人，賤女人，死窮鬼，死有錢佬，殘廢。。。。


和平，又怎可能會出現？


在2012年，我不敢期求世界和平，但我要做一個和平的人。


共勉。

"And in the end

The love you take 

Is equal to the love you make." 

The End, The Beatles

Their very last song.

我們的Steinway。

請容許我在這裡對此電子琴作出一些評價，一些想法。 

琴聲，不像琴。

琴鍵，不夠。

琴鍵的重量，輕得可憐。

樣貌，兒戲。

若在冬天要用力彈這琴的時候，隨時會有狃傷手指的機會。

100+種不同樂器聲音，最像樣的便是這「鋼琴」聲。

我們也不是沒有想過買一個像樣一點的數碼鋼琴。但學生很乖，他們都說：「快畢業了，別花錢。」，儘管我知道他們都超愛彈真琴。

然而

今天當我在「臉書」翻看我們北川中學的相片時，這電子琴仔神奇地是這十二個月以來曝光率最高的東西。

這發現令我再想起與它的片段。 

我們就是用這琴創作了很多很多很好聽的歌。

我們就是用這琴作了「依然守望」。

我們就是用這琴教了很多很多節鋼琴課，聲樂課。

我們就是用這琴與我們唱了無數流行曲。好玩的或令我們流淚心痛的。

我們就是用這琴拉近與學生的距離。

我就是用這琴唱了「給女兒」給女兒聽。

真好，這個Yamaha電子琴仔教導了我在音樂路程上一個很重要的課。

就是，音樂，最要緊的就是從你內在出發的。

感動人心的不是要用昂貴得很的儀器，而是一個你我都有的元素，心。

這個Yamaha電子琴仔，便是我們北川中學老師和學生的Steinway。（Steinway & Sons 是鋼琴中的法拉利）

後記：這文章在QQ空間也放上了。以下便是其中一位學生王龍的回覆，
「程理高，谢谢你。不管是电子琴还是钢琴，只要用心去演奏去创作，都会有最美丽的音乐…虽然我们都很想弹真的钢琴，但是对于现在的我来说，似乎没有那个必要…钢琴是我的灵魂，我会努力的学琴，总有一天，我也可以弹奏好的音乐… 钢琴改变了我太多，治愈了我太多…他就想我快乐的源泉。为我提供着生命力…谢谢你…你是以为有爱的老师！」

Beautiful Jonah

Dear Jonah,

It breaks my heart to watch your video.

I am sure your heart was broken when filming this.

Yes, this is difficult.

Yes, this is very tough.

I hope you'll be able to go through all these shit.

No, we cannot change others.

We hope we can,

But the fact is, we can't.

Good thing is though,

They cannot change you either.

I sincerely wish that someday when you look back at your own video

You'll know how much you've grown

and such beautiful person you have become

and such beautiful person you've always been

You can't see it just yet.

Take care beautiful Jonah,

I'm sure your tears and your pain and your honesty have encouraged lots of people already.

Including myself.

So, I thank you, beautiful Jonah.

我們這一家

在八月，我寫了這首歌給我在北川的兩個女兒。

「给女儿」

这个世界 我並不太了解

但我愿意 陪你们勇闯天涯

我都会害怕 你们知道吗

但我愿意 守护在你们中间

明白我们的距离有多远

我会尽努力把它拉近一点

我能给你们就是那么多

多么希望能给更多

亲爱的女儿好好的生活

每天都要快乐

如果思念我

就听听这首歌

闭上眼睛 就看见我

我也就看见我的女儿

我並不完美 有的是一双膀臂

若你们愿意  把悲喜都放上去

我並不富有  有的是那双手

若你们愿意 牵着我经历天地

明白我们的距离有多远

我会尽努力把它拉近一点

我能给你们就是那么多

多么希望能给更多

亲爱的女儿好好的生活

每天都要快乐

如果思念我

就唱唱这首歌

闭上眼睛 就看见我

我也就看见我的女儿

今天，我收到她們寫給我的歌詞。

「给老爸」

这个世界 我並不太了解

但我愿意 陪你们勇闯天涯

我们会害怕 你知道吗

但我愿意 守护在你的身边

明白我们的距离有多远

我会尽努力和你走进一点

谢谢你给我付出那么多

我们希望能给你更多

亲爱的老爸好好的生活

每天都要快乐

如果思念我

就听听这首歌

闭上眼睛 就看见我

我们就看见老爸

我並不完美 有的是一双膀臂

若你们愿意  把悲喜都放上去

我並不富有  有的是那双手

若你们愿意 牵着我经历天地

明白我们的距离有多远

我会尽努力和你走进一点

谢谢你给我付出那么多

我们希望能给你更多

亲爱的老爸好好的生活

每天都要快乐

如果思念我

就唱唱这首歌

闭上眼睛 就看见我

我们就看见老爸

看的時候不停地哭。原來，我真的很愛很想念她們。

也正因為她們，我才可以再一次相信自己其實也可以愛。

謝謝你，丫頭。謝謝你，樂樂。

赤與誠

今天看到小丁的圖片。

之後再看她的網誌。

得要承認，看的時候，

慾是有的，好奇是有的，

這些都過了之後，才看她的文字。

原來，逗留的是她的文字。

她的個性。

我說過很多遍創作要誠實和要夠薑赤裸，

她literally做了出來。

因為她這舉動，

令我開了更多空間去思考和感受。

其實，

相處了這麼多年，

我認識自己的身體嗎？

我能夠不害羞地慢慢看（或欣賞）自己的全身嗎？

我會不自在嗎？

我會不喜歡嗎？ （如肚腩）

有趣的是我突然發現我應該介意自己看多過給別人看。

為何呢？

就是因為性衝動或衝動而已？

還是要人看自己赤條條(身，或心)總好過自己看, 雖然給別人看已經要些勇氣。

為何呢？

為何先要別人接受自己之後才得自己接受？

更有趣的是，小丁是從發覺不太喜歡自己的身體後才去慢慢探索的。

我們，不都應該是這樣麼？

身好，心也好。

小女子，多謝你開啓了我的眼睛。

By: 小丁

By:  Bobby Shum

Status

昨天，在Facebook上的status選擇了single。

其實，一直以來也不太在那裡公開自己的私人生活，當然我可以說我的私事不關別人事（我也有說過!）。但我發現原來又是自己的恐懼作怪，怕別人的想法，怕別人的指指點點，也怕傷害到別人。所以，便用了一個型一點的說法吧。

跟你已經分開了2個多月，開初真是不習慣和不捨得，到天台看到我們所種的植物時便更加難受。畢竟，我們真的用心用力去栽種這些小生命，而我們也真的很齊心的去愛護它們。

看到它們的成長，我們便很安慰。

看到它們生蟲，我們便很擔心。

看到它們不開花結果，我們便很焦急。

結果，天台上所有應該開花結果的都已開花結果。

諷刺地，我們卻沒有。

正因為長時間照料著這些花花草草，讓我領會到一些道理。

從書中看，每一種花也有它的花期。但縱使如此寫，你永遠不會知道它們何時會開花，何時會凋謝。你能做的，便只有觀察。因為，實在有太多外來因素。

有一些花樹（如“紫薇“），我們看到它生病，用了杜蟲藥，用了樹肥也沒有效，當沒有再“加添“理會它的時侯，只有給它溉水和晒太陽，它卻給我們很大的驚喜，便是開了一樹的花，像我們最初帶它回家時的模樣。

原來生命，是有自己的時間。要急也急不來。

原來關係，都是這樣。

未來的日子，我們都會是要好的好朋友，因為我們的關係都是用心建立（雖然也用了很多，太多腦）。所以，由此至終都是，希望你快樂，希望你認識和接納自己的所有所有，希望你能再往內找，不要怕，因為我們都相信我們的最內在，其實，就是愛。當然，互勉。

剛買下來的紫薇

因生蟲而要斷了一大部份

現在的它

Speech from Charlie Chaplin's 'The Great Dictator'

I'm sorry but I don't want to be an Emperor, that's not my business. I don't want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible, Jew, gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another, human beings are like that. We all want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery. We don't want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone and the earth is rich and can provide for everyone.

The way of life can be free and beautiful. But we have lost the way.

Greed has poisoned men's souls, has barricaded the world with hate;
has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed.

We have developed speed but we have shut ourselves in:
machinery that gives abundance has left us in want.
Our knowledge has made us cynical,
our cleverness hard and unkind.
We think too much and feel too little:
More than machinery we need humanity;
More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness.

Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.

The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men, cries out for universal brotherhood for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world, millions of despairing men, women and little children, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me I say "Do not despair".

The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress: the hate of men will pass and dictators die and the power they took from the people, will return to the people and so long as men die [now] liberty will never perish. . .

Soldiers: don't give yourselves to brutes, men who despise you and enslave you, who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel, who drill you, diet you, treat you as cattle, as cannon fodder.

Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men, machine men, with machine minds and machine hearts. You are not machines. You are not cattle. You are men. You have the love of humanity in your hearts. You don't hate, only the unloved hate. Only the unloved and the unnatural. Soldiers: don't fight for slavery, fight for liberty.

In the seventeenth chapter of Saint Luke it is written:
"The kingdom of God is within man"
Not one man, nor a group of men, but in all men; in you, the people.

You the people have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness. You the people have the power to make life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure. Then in the name of democracy let's use that power, let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give you the future and old age and security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power, but they lie. They do not fulfil their promise, they never will. Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people. Now let us fight to fulfil that promise. Let us fight to free the world, to do away with national barriers, do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men's happiness.

Soldiers! In the name of democracy, let us all unite!

. . .

Look up! Look up! The clouds are lifting, the sun is breaking through. We are coming out of the darkness into the light. We are coming into a new world. A kind new world where men will rise above their hate and brutality.

The soul of man has been given wings, and at last he is beginning to fly. He is flying into the rainbow, into the light of hope, into the future, that glorious future that belongs to you, to me and to all of us. Look up. Look up.